A Poem aka My Preexisting Condition is Being a Woman

That movie commercial with Amy Schumer interacting with a doctor. He asks what her preexisting conditions are. “Ummm…being a woman.” Womanhood sucked for me, and menopause came early. It was like Christmas, but receiving a lump of coal every day until the next seven odd years pass.

So I wrote a fucking poem about my turmoil with my body, my self, and my doubt during my miscarriage (during menopause), up toafter my hysterectomy. It’s visceral, and parts of my body are burnt to a sizzle or in a biohazard bin somewhere. And it breaks my heart to feel like a literal chicken nugget. A deep fried wretched ball of nerves that fires off without stimulus.

Ladies Doing Abs Exercise…” by Anna Shvets @ Pexels

I’m No-t REady to be Frag-ile but I Di-d an Ab Crunch

I thought of you the other day.
You were on my mind.
I paved my path to hell with good intentions
I regimented, I disciplined
I caged the lion
It destroyed me

Do you miss me?
I miss you.
I suffered the other day
Realizing your burial place.

My organs
Abducted willingly
Five penetrations
I teared up
I wept
I cried
I sobbed
I collapsed with breathlessness

I died for you
I killed myself

Are you alone
in a biohazard bag?
Did you burn peacefully?
I lamented the death
You plan to die

I wasn’t ready for a part of me to leave me
Me doing something to myself
That was necessary
It killed me
I died to survive
I maintain
That’s a lie

I need years
I am not ready
To let go
No, not yet
Please, one more day?

Let me tell her goodbye.

Goodbye, Echo. Mama loves you.

Your absence hurt a man.
You’re gone; you hurt my love.
Your sharpness suffocated
I fell heavy
I cried
The sensual holds hands with the primal

The unspoken question
The voyeuristic curiosity
My baby face
Doesn’t match
The granny that evolves inside

Hey me,
Can I love me for me?
Can I love me for you?
Can you help me?
Can I help you?

I need you.
Please need me too.
Help me.
I’ll help you too.

I am alone separated by decades
Of lost women
Of old relations
And their lost memories.

I’m mad at you.
Hey, menopause?
Fuck you too.

Baby steps, my friend, baby steps. Do the work, but take baby steps.

— TS4D

#mentalhealth #wellness #growth #foodasmedicine #recovery #routine #mindfulness #depression #mentalstability #menopause #miscarriage #menopausepoetry #miscarriagepoetry #grief #griefpoetry #loss #byebyebaby #6weeks #loss



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